Morgan:News - Examples of Morgan’s Jokes

Here are just few—a very few—examples of Morgan’s Jokes. We’ve published more than 800 of them so far, and we’re still going strong. Enjoy! To get on the free Morgan’s Jokes mailing list, simply contact us via e-mail and let us know. It’s free (and it’s all we use your e-mail address for!).

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A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A detective investigated, and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked up the discharge paper, smiled and said: "That's it."

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Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

Since she has to go to work on the only day he could work on her machine in the next three weeks, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the cheque. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bull dog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repair man arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment on the appointed day, he discovered the biggest, meanest bull dog he had ever seen. But just as she said, the dog simply lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. The parrot, however, drove the repairman nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

After a frustrating hour working on the dishwasher, during which nothing seemed to go right, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

The parrot went silent for maybe 15 long seconds and then said, "Get him, Spike!"

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Farmer John, a chicken farmer, lived on a quiet rural highway in Alberta, and his flock happily surrounded his farm. But then oil and gas was discovered not far away, and the traffic began to build up at an alarming rate.

In fact, the traffic became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of several a day.

Alarmed, one day Farmer John finally called the nearby RCMP office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the officer.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day, the officer had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said:

Three days later Farmer John called the RCMP officer and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

That really sped them up. He called the officer again, saying, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

"Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the cop and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."

He hung up the phone.

The officer was really curious now. He thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: